fgks: (Default)
[personal profile] fgks
I'm not really sure what's going to happen to me now.


Three years ago, if you told me I would be in the exact same place, in the exact same situation, I wouldn't have believed you. I would have begged you to tell me I would end up otherwise.

I'm exaggerating I guess - things aren't identical.

I am still in LA, in the same house.

Three years ago, I had my own room. Now I share with my parents.

Three years ago I lived in constant fear of my loud abusive aunt. Now she works in another city, and she only stays at the house one or twice a month.

Three years ago, I had a solid reason. A reason to keep going, keep fighting.

Three years ago, I had friends who I would die for - kill for. Three years ago I had friends I had to go back home for.

Three years ago, I had a place to call home.

If I had known things would turn out this way, I wouldn't have fought so hard.

If I had known I would be in the same situation only with less options, less support, I would have just served my sentence in peace.

I'm tired. I'm exhausted. 

I have been to three different schools, three different courses - and I dropped out of all of them. 

I am wasting time, energy, and resources.

My parents are old and tired and I have done precious little to make them proud of me. I try to give them everything they deserve, but at times I can't even respect them as I should.

My parents are wonderful people, but they are not saints. They understand little about my mental condition, and can do little to help. Even though they want to.

I wish they didn't have to see me like this.

I wish I could be the daughter they deserve.

I am so, so tired.

I am older, but I don't think I'm any wiser.

When I was 18 I fought against the plan they had laid out for me. I fought against it because it wasn't what I wanted. I didn't care about the money or the job security that path would have given me.

I was young and stupid, and I believed that being happy with what I did for a living mattered more than making a living. I thought life would be worth it, that I could stand not having enough money as long as I had a career I enjoyed.

I was young, and very stupid. I was terrified of the idea of marrying someone who didn't love me, of marrying someone I didn't love. I believed that love was something worth fighting for, worth living for, worth dying for.

Typical stupid teenager things.

I'm 21 now and I don't have the excuse of being a stupid kid anymore.

I feel like I really should have known better.

I should have ignored the revolution going on inside me, protesting against the path they wanted me to walk, fighting against the life they wanted me to lead.

I should have just finished and become the nurse everyone wanted me to be - at least that way, I would be helping people. I would be providing for my parents, making them proud. I would be saving lives.


Anonymous( )Anonymous This account has disabled anonymous posting.
OpenID( )OpenID You can comment on this post while signed in with an account from many other sites, once you have confirmed your email address. Sign in using OpenID.
Account name:
If you don't have an account you can create one now.
HTML doesn't work in the subject.


Notice: This account is set to log the IP addresses of everyone who comments.
Links will be displayed as unclickable URLs to help prevent spam.


fgks: (Default)

March 2015

15161718 192021

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 22nd, 2017 10:20 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios