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[personal profile] fgks
I'm not really sure what's going to happen to me now.

.....



Three years ago, if you told me I would be in the exact same place, in the exact same situation, I wouldn't have believed you. I would have begged you to tell me I would end up otherwise.

I'm exaggerating I guess - things aren't identical.

I am still in LA, in the same house.

Three years ago, I had my own room. Now I share with my parents.

Three years ago I lived in constant fear of my loud abusive aunt. Now she works in another city, and she only stays at the house one or twice a month.

Three years ago, I had a solid reason. A reason to keep going, keep fighting.

Three years ago, I had friends who I would die for - kill for. Three years ago I had friends I had to go back home for.

Three years ago, I had a place to call home.


If I had known things would turn out this way, I wouldn't have fought so hard.

If I had known I would be in the same situation only with less options, less support, I would have just served my sentence in peace.


I'm tired. I'm exhausted. 

I have been to three different schools, three different courses - and I dropped out of all of them. 

I am wasting time, energy, and resources.

My parents are old and tired and I have done precious little to make them proud of me. I try to give them everything they deserve, but at times I can't even respect them as I should.

My parents are wonderful people, but they are not saints. They understand little about my mental condition, and can do little to help. Even though they want to.

I wish they didn't have to see me like this.


I wish I could be the daughter they deserve.


I am so, so tired.


I am older, but I don't think I'm any wiser.


When I was 18 I fought against the plan they had laid out for me. I fought against it because it wasn't what I wanted. I didn't care about the money or the job security that path would have given me.

I was young and stupid, and I believed that being happy with what I did for a living mattered more than making a living. I thought life would be worth it, that I could stand not having enough money as long as I had a career I enjoyed.

I was young, and very stupid. I was terrified of the idea of marrying someone who didn't love me, of marrying someone I didn't love. I believed that love was something worth fighting for, worth living for, worth dying for.

Typical stupid teenager things.

I'm 21 now and I don't have the excuse of being a stupid kid anymore.

I feel like I really should have known better.

I should have ignored the revolution going on inside me, protesting against the path they wanted me to walk, fighting against the life they wanted me to lead.

I should have just finished and become the nurse everyone wanted me to be - at least that way, I would be helping people. I would be providing for my parents, making them proud. I would be saving lives.


 

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March 2015

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